Believing in believing

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Believing that just may be the secret to living a fulfilled life. Not necessarily knowing what the reasons are, but knowing there is a reason. Not necessarily knowing who or what the reasons are – like an identifiable higher power – but just knowing that there are reasons and accepting that. And accepting responsibility that my actions and thoughts affect what happens, both positively and negatively.

It’s amazing to me how fear can influence beliefs. Religion is the ideal example, but let's even take it on a much more micro level...

For decades, people drank sink water and were fine. Then, I get introduced to filtered water and learn how much healthier that can be for me, and how tap water had all these chemicals in it and how dangerous it is. Well, I’ve drank it for most of my life, as has every other person I know and have yet to hear about a death or debilitating disease caused by drinking tap water. Yet, even though I have thousands of gallons of tap water which have passed through my system over the years in my life, every time I don’t have access to filtered water, there is now a mini bit of hesitation that sets in for me when tap water is my only option to drink, like a brief moment of contemplation that, wait, could this glass of tap water that I’m about to drink at this very moment cause me significant damage?

And I’ll ponder this potential dilemma for a brief period. And this process plays out constantly, whether it be tap water or carrying more than three ounces of shampoo through airport security, in all likelihood, insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

The problem may be that we change our beliefs. We start believing the "hype." Or we simply stop believing. In life, in ourselves, in others. Even though I can consciously realize that simply convincing myself to believe in something will make it actually happen – or at the very least, realize that not believing definitely WILL NOT make it happen, there is something inside of me that holds me back from continuing to believe at all times. I feel I have to try and do internal research to find compelling arguments as to why it’s logical that believing will actually make things happen.

But when things do happen which I don't want, I also have an incredibly difficult time getting over it. I get stuck in the same negative loop and can’t break out of it. Apparently, it can be physiologically explained – according to the book "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life," the cingulate area of my brain, when it’s affected in some way, can cause that type of thinking.  If a situation doesn’t go according to plan, I’ll stew over it even though there is absolutely nothing I can do about it after the fact. Then I make the situation even worse because of that.

Lately, I've been struggling to unstick myself from the negative loop of concerns that pervade my cingulate area, mainly career and finances. And today, after another "thanks but no thanks" letter, it could be very easy to fall deeper into the vortex. Or I can believe that it wasn't the right opportunity (which it wasn't) and that the right one still exists and is will reveal itself at some point (which it will).

And the simple act of believing this - truly believing it - gets me through another day and keeps me looking forward to what's in store tomorrow.

I was just thinking...a lot...

Today, I felt like I did something very dad-like: I went into Target in my pajamas - midday on a Wednesday, no less - to pick up baby formula. There was a time not long ago that my image-conscious mentality would not allow me to do such a thing. And it may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it felt like another step to being comfortable with where I am in life. So there.

And now that I've let it be known, I'll move on to the next thought encompassing my mind - which is how to manage all the thoughts encompassing my mind!

The thoughts that run through my head lately remind me of when I used to be a waiter. I’d take one order, then another, and then take another table, and another, and before you know it, I’m confusing my orders. Do I know who to go to next, or where I just was?

(Needless to say, I was not a very good waiter. For the reasons mentioned as well as the fact that I could never figure out how to do that balancing trick with the plates all on one arm. I may as well have been walking a tight rope with people's dishes!)

And my own thoughts feel that way, too: I’ll start with one thought that seems to guide its way, and then I’ll meander onto another thought that branched off from the previous one and leave that one unresolved. Then I’ll eventually have two incomplete thoughts and wander onto a third and forget what the original thought was.

Textbook, ADD, right?

But it always seems to be at its worst when I'm flooded with a bunch of tasks to accomplish and, regardless of how much I plan, or plan to plan, something always seems to fall by the wayside. And, just like how I could never balance more than a couple meals on my arm, it's equally as difficult for me to balance to-do lists.

Writing this at least takes a plate away.

(Wait...what was I talking about?)

Change is a good thing.

It's what I keep telling myself. Change is a good thing. Change is good, whether it is anticipated for months and dreamed of for years like with Kya, or just anticipated for months and feared for years like a career transition resulting in a major financial setback.

Both changes are being faced at the same time. And the challenges of both changes are what will make the journey and accomplishments of both that much more gratifying.

With Kya, it's a constant trial and error thus far. And most assuredly, will continue to be. I will learn, eventually, how much time I have to get up and make her bottle in the morning before she goes from mildly irritable to utterly inconsolable (thinking probably three). Or how many times she'll laugh at my silly-ass noises and faces before she grows bored of it (guessing about a dozen). But in the end, I'll figure it out. And it'll totally be worth it when I can either make her happy that much sooner or keep her happy that much longer.

With my other change, I'm going from five years of irrelevance to who-knows-how-long of no freaking idea yet. And, like with my daughter, it's taken multiple times to figure out what decisions to make, where to look, who to speak with, what to write, what to finish that I started years ago, when to give up on ideas I cooked up years ago, and so on...and it will most likely take multiple more attempts until I get it right.

And it'll be totally worth it when I can be content with my life that much sooner and stay content for that much longer.

Admittedly, my one change has encompassed so much real estate in my head lately, that it's impeded on my time to write about my other change in this fashion. But it's also made me realize that the one change is equally as critical in dictating my present and future.

So therefore, a third change: the focus of this blog, to incorporate everything in my crazy world and my constant attempts to learn how much time or how many times I need to figure the important shit out.

Enjoy the journey with me...